Tell Me Her Name

A Pretender fan fic

By Marie King

The soft voice of the singer mingled with the strains of violins and finally she felt herself relax. In the candlelit bathroom, she could finally let down the facade of being Miss Parker. For that's all it was, a facade. Her life was part of a game. A deadly serious one, but a game nonetheless. What was the truth and what were the lies? She sighed and took a sip of wine. I'll probably never know the answers, she thought, and I'll never really be free of the Centre. She closed her eyes and leaned back, inhaling the sweet scented bath oil. Another gift from Jarod; it had been her mother's favorite.

"Tell me her name."

Jarod looked over at the pretty blonde seated across the table from him, "Whose name?" He was genuinely confused by her question. There had been no woman involved in this pretend. He'd come here to help a young boy whose father had recently died in an industrial accident. He'd succeeded in getting the family the compensation they deserved and the company's owner was now facing a long prison sentence.

The blonde, Julie was her name, had approached him shortly after he'd entered the bar with what he was sure was an interesting proposition, albeit one he wasn't interested in. Not now, not with her.

"The woman that you're in love with."

Jarod's mouth quirked into a smile, "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else. I'm not in love with anyone."

Julie laughed loudly, "Yeah, sure. Listen honey, the only men who refuse what I'm offering are one of two things, gay or in love with someone else." She let her gaze travel over him, he was tall, dark and handsome and had off limits written all over him. "And you are not gay."

"Gay?"

"Queer, you know into boys," she explained.

"Ah, you mean homosexual. No I am not."

"Then you must be in love. What's her name?"

Parker stood up and reached for a towel. Wrapping herself in its thick warmth, she padded across the room and walked into her bedroom. Pausing, she changed the CD and sighed as Ella's liquid voice filled the room. Settling down at the dressing table her gaze fell on one of the photos crowding the tabletop. She reached out and picked it up, her fingertip tracing the face of the teenager who looked so sad as she stood beside her father. It had been taken shortly before she'd been sent away to boarding school. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the memory of the incident that had precipitated her departure to Rome.

She dropped the picture and brushed ineffectually at the tears that were sliding down her face. Damn it, she thought, why do I let him get to me like that?

Raines and one of his toadies had found them in the vent. They'd pulled them apart and hustled Jarod away from her, despite her pleas and his cries. Raines had taken her to her father and within days she was on a plane for Rome and had not seen him until she had returned to the Centre years later. She closed her eyes; she'd cried through the entire flight and had shut herself off from the rest of the students at school. She'd spent most of her free time daydreaming about him. She'd made up scenarios about how they'd be reunited and how they'd pledge their undying love.

A bark of laughter escaped her lips, undying love, she thought, had she really been that innocent?

"So, you gonna tell me her name?"

Jarod looked at her and shook his head, "I told you I'm not in love with anyone."

"That's what you say, but not what you feel," Julie stood up and held out her hand, "Nice to meet you. And do me a favor. Tell her that you love her, then maybe you can tell me her name."

Jarod shook her outstretched hand and murmured the right words, but he was already far away, back to a past he'd tried to bury. Images of her whispering her name in his ear, that first sweet kiss and then the time she'd been ripped from his arms. He closed is eyes against the pain that memory invoked.

He tossed some bills on the table and stood, a sour grin twisting his mouth. At least it was the last time he'd seen the girl who had been his first love. Sydney had told him later that she'd been sent away to school. He'd held out hope that she'd be back in the summers, but that hadn't happened. He'd found out she was spending her school breaks working at various Centre facilities, mostly in far distant cities. Once, after he found she was at a Data Annex in Topeka, he'd tried sending her a message, but it had been intercepted and he'd been punished. Worse, they told him next time, it would be she who would be punished. He'd taken the warning to heart and never tried to communicate with her again.

Jarod climbed into his car and started the engine. The pretend was over and he had yet to decide where he was going next. As he merged onto the interstate, his mind was on her.

Parker tossed and turned and finally sat up and turned on the bedside lamp. Damn! He was even invading her dreams. She pushed her hair out of her eyes and climbed out of bed. After pacing through the dark house, she finally settled in the window seat staring out at the night sky. She remembered how she'd tried to get her father to let her spend her summers at home. Home. The Centre. She rubbed her hand over her face; the sad truth was it had been her home. Of course, after what he called the incident, her father had never allowed that to happen. She'd been sent to various Centre satellite offices and after college had been sent to the Tokyo office. It was while she was there she'd finally convinced her father she was over Jarod, and convinced herself too.

Parker leaned her head against the cool panes of the window. She'd given up her virginity the year she turned seventeen, to a tall, dark-eyed waiter at the cafe across from the school. His name had been… hell; she didn't remember his name. But he'd looked like she'd imagined Jarod must have looked then and that had been all that had mattered to her then. Over the years, she'd had lovers, but none of them had touched her heart, her soul, as he had. Damn him.

And damn her father for putting her in charge of bringing him in. She knew she was doomed to fail, because she knew what freedom meant to Jarod. She knew what it would mean to her. She thought back to the first time she had set foot in the Centre after several years of exile. She had appeared so confident, but she had been shaking inside.

She'd spent hours going over reports and searching the database for any mention of Jarod. It had taken her two weeks to find out where his room was and another week to find a reason to go down to that level. But Jarod hadn't been there and it was then that she suspected that she was being watched. So she'd decided to let it go for the moment and had thrown herself into her work. Once she had convinced them she didn't care then she'd find a way to see him.

But the days had turned into weeks and then into months and she had been busy with her new duties. And she was seldom alone in the Centre; either her father or Sam was with her. Soon her father had given her the house and she'd spent all of her free time restoring it. Parker sighed, she'd let it drop, had tried to stop thinking about him and gone on with her life, until that fateful day when her father had put her in charge of capturing Jarod and bringing him home.

She'd left her father's office and for the last year, Jarod had become her life. She grimaced and poured herself a drink.

Jarod slowed as he approached the off ramp. What the hell was he doing here? He'd driven aimlessly for several hours, trying to get the thought of her out of his mind. Obviously, it hadn't worked because here he was not more than ten miles from her house and dangerously close to the Centre. He pulled the car over on the side of the road and leaned his head on the steering wheel. He remembered the moment he'd seen her after she'd come back to the Centre as clearly as if it yesterday.

Parker crushed out her cigarette and absently rubbed her stomach. Damn ulcer, she thought, it's ruined my life. Damn Centre caused the damn ulcer that ruined my life. Damn Centre stole Jarod from his parents and ruined his life, which ruined my life, which caused this god damned ulcer. And she was trapped. If she left, they'd hunt her down like they hunted Jarod. They'd find her and then they'd probably kill her like they'd killed her mother, like they'd killed Sydney's brother. If she stayed, and then someday she'd have to bring Jarod in, and he'd hate her. She bent over and sobbed in pain. If that happened, she'd have no one at all who cared about her.

"Are you all right, Miss Parker?"

Great, she thought, now I'm hearing things.

"Parker."

She sat up slowly and looked in shock at the man who stood in her darkened bedroom. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I've been asking myself that same question. Are in pain?"

"What does it look like?" she snapped, furious at herself for being glad to see him.

"Like your ulcer is acting up." He sat down beside her. "You shouldn't smoke or drink Parker. It's bad for your health."

"YOU are bad for my health Jarod, did you come to turn yourself in?"

"I don't know why I came here; I was driving and I found myself here."

Parker sneered at him. "Should I be flattered?"

She reached out for her weapon, but Jarod grabbed her wrist, "Don't. I- I-"

"Spit it out."

"I just wanted to see you, to talk to you."

Parker was surprised and secretly touched. "Talk about what? Unless you are going to let me take you home, we have nothing to talk about."

"Home," Jarod echoed her. "Do you really think of the Centre as home?"

She looked up at him, the timbre of his voice touching her in a way she didn't understand. "No," she whispered, "not anymore. This is my home."

Jarod glanced around the room. "It's nice; it's warm." He reached out and took her hand. "Why can't you let me find a place like this? A place that is my home."

"The Centre is your home, Jarod, they-"

"Damn it, the Centre is my prison, Parker!" Jarod exploded. "Why can't you understand that? I want to have a life; I want to fall in love and marry and have children; I want to be normal."

Parker flinched from the pain in his voice. "Jarod, you can't be normal, you're special, you need to-"

"I need to be free." Jarod tightened his grip on her hands. "I need to be free, Parker, just like you need to be free from the Centre and your father. Please-"

"Jarod, you're hurting me."

He released his grip on her. "Sorry,' he said half to himself. "Why did I come here, why did I ever imagine you cared?"

Parker rubbed her forehead, "Jarod, what are you talking about?"

Taking two steps forward he cupped her chin with his hand looked down at her, "Did you ever care about me, Miss Parker, when we were young? Do you remember the night Raines found us together? Do you?"

"Of course I do, Jarod, but what does that have to do with anything?" She reached for her cigarettes only to be stopped by Jarod. "What do you think you're doing?" she snapped.

"You shouldn't smoke; it's bad for your health."

"I'm touched that you care," she said, "Why are you here Jarod?" She shifted on the bed, leaning against the headboard and looked at him. "For god's sake, sit down, Jarod!" She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She felt the mattress dip as he sat down beside her. After a few minutes she opened her eyes and looked at him, "Well?"

"I meet a woman tonight in a bar-"

"I'm not your confessor Jarod," she snarled, "that's Syd's job. And I really don't want to hear about your conquest of some bimbo." She leaned over and reached for a cigarette.

"I didn't sleep with her," he said with a small smile. "She offered but I said no."

Parker turned to look at him, her unlit smoke dangling from her lips; "She was a real dog, huh?"

Jarod snatched the cigarette from her mouth and rolled it between his fingers. "No she was quite attractive," he said focusing his attention on the smooth feel of the cigarette. "I turned her down for a couple of reasons. First of all I don't believe in sex as a recreational sport."

"You don't know what you're missing, Jarod," Parker said with a lopsided grin. "Recreational sex is the only sport I participate in. What's the second reason?"

He scowled at her flip attitude; unhappy with the thought of her with another man did to him. "I don't know."

Parker looked at him as he rolled the cigarette between his long fingers. She wondered, not for the first time, what it would feel like to have those hands stroking her body, the long elegant fingers searching out and finding the secret places. She shook her head. Dangerous waters, she cautioned herself. "So you met some chick in a bar, she offered to do the wild thing with you and you turned her down but you don't know why? Is that about right?" At his nod, she pressed on. "So you came here to what…Ask me to explain sexual attraction to you? "

"No," he said softly. "Julie had a theory as to why I turned her down and I came to here to test her hypothesis."

"Julie, being the bimbo, " Parker asked. "So what was the theory?"

"She said men only turned down what she was offering for three reasons."

"Pretty sure of herself isn't she?"

Jarod smiled. "She was quite attractive if you find petite blondes with large breasts attractive."

Parker glared at him. "I don't, and I take it, neither do you. So what were Ms. Wonder Bra's reasons?"

"She said that men who turned her down were either married-"

"Which you are not." Parker looked at him suspiciously, "Or are you?"

"I am not married," he said. "I think it would be difficult with my current lifestyle, it's rather difficult to find a woman willing to live a life on the run."

"I'd imagine it is," she said, thinking that she would, if he asked. "The other two reasons?" She reached for her glass and sipped her drink.

"They were gay."

Parker spat scotch out and wiped at her chin, "Oh my god," she gasped, "Jarod- tell me you aren't-"

He grinned at her, "Aren't what?" He was enjoying the look of absolute dismay on her face, "I'm not gay, Parker."

"That's good to know. So, what is the third reason?"

"Her third reason was that I'm in love with someone else," he whispered, watching as her blue eyes widened in shock and some indefinable emotion fluttered across her face, "and I came here to find out if she was right."

Parker looked at him; unable to speak as she searched his face for a sign that this was another of his twisted jokes. But there wasn't. When she looked at him, she saw the same emotion she had seen in the boy who had told she was beautiful all those years ago, the emotion she had spent the last dozen years trying to find in another man's eyes. Oh god, she thought, he came here to find out if he still loved me.

She wanted to reach out and touch his face, to tell him about the nights she'd tossed and turned dreaming about him. She wanted to tell him about the emptiness she felt after she made love to a man who wasn't him. But she was afraid to; she was afraid of his rejection, afraid of the truth she had buried so deep. She loved him.

"And…" she croaked and cleared her throat, "…and was she right?"

Jarod had been watching as she battled with herself, and had been fighting his own inner demons. Yes, he thought, she was right, I am in love with someone and now I can tell her your name. He wanted to tell Parker that she didn't have to search for love anymore, because she had love, she had his love. He wanted to tell her about the nights he couldn't sleep because every time he closed his eyes he saw her face and he wanted to hold her in his arms. But he was afraid; afraid she'd laugh at him, afraid of the truth he'd been denying for so long. He loved her.

"Jarod." Her voice was soft and husky as her gaze drifted over his face, "Was she right?"

Jarod looked up and saw the raw emotion in her eyes and his heart leapt, "Yes," he said, "she was right." He reached out and ran his fingers gently across her mouth, leaning forward, he replaced his fingers with his lips and they were transported back to that night so many years ago.

End